Nothing breaks the ice like a good (or bad) bar joke, and we’ve got a list!

To drink or to not drink

A man walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the bar’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same. The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?". The guy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!”

Superpowers

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?”. The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies. The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

Rhymes come alive

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

Smarter than most patrons

An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night.

The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the Irishman explains, “I’d rather see them all lined up before me. I left two brothers behind in Ireland, and since we used to meet at the pub every night and have a pint together, I feel closer to them when I come to drink my pint and their two.”

This goes on for a year, and then one night, the Irishman fails to come in. The regulars are concerned, and then saddened when he returns a few nights later and orders only two pints of beer.
When the bartender serves him, he says, “I see you didn’t order a beer for one of your brothers. My condolences on your loss.”

“My brothers are still alive,” the Irishman says. “I didn’t order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.”

For the sake of it

The past, present, and future walk into a bar…It was tense.

Free Drink

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "How much for a whisky ?"
And the Bartender replies, "For you, No charge!"

A blind man….

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.

Doing it right

A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.

“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie. “Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says. A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.

“And for your other two wishes?” asks the genie.

Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”

Always ask for peanuts

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. A minute later he hears, “You look great. Have you lost weight?” He looks around, but there’s no one near.

Again, a minute later, he hears, “You know, you don’t look a day over 30.” Looks around again, no one but him and the bartender, so he asks, “Did you hear that?”

The bartender says, “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”

Pick your poison

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.”

“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”

“And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison”

Can’t help but snicker

So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey. This is a singles bar."

Science

Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I'll have an H2O please"
The second scientist says, "I'll have an H2O too." The second scientist died.